The best of times, the worst of times

I once read a line in a book by T.H. White called the The Once and Future King that affected me very deeply. It was just one line in a very long book. I read it my senior year of high school when I was knee-deep in love with Justin.

The line was, “Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically, to those who hardly think about us in return.” That line resonated in me because it was true with Justin at that time (he would come to love me more completely years later, after I had stopped loving him “that way.” The timing of things in life can sometimes be cruel.)

This line resonates in me because at the end of the day it’s true of my friend who is going to be moving away shortly as well. I did my very best with him and always gave him my very best in every facet of our friendship. Sometimes it was cherished and appreciated other times it was unceremoniously thrown back in my face.

Will it be out of sight, out of mind, or do I occupy a slot on his short list of real friends?

I used to cry whenever I thought too much about his leaving, and that includes even up to almost a year ago before his leaving was even a possibility! I went to bed last night feeling one way and I woke up this morning feeling another. Sweet surrender.

I woke up this morning not dwelling on what might or might not happen when this one friend leaves, but instead I woke up truly knowing how loved I am by so many people that if this one character in the play of my life doesn’t have room for me or forgets me once geography separates us that that simply means I wasn't as important as I thought I was (or wanted to be) and I should recast the role.

I discussed a lot of these feelings on the phone with Mike Day yesterday after I had texted him to tell him I was feeling down and I got a text message from him this morning reminding me that he’s always here for me. I took time this morning to "out of the blue" thank Matty for how well he treats me all the time and that I appreciate how good he is to me all of the time. This is what matters in our lives.

It’s called reciprocity. I think I’ve cried my last tear. My friend who is leaving would tell me I’m full of it because he always listened to me blather on about this and that whenever I asked him to and he helped me answer questions and seek resolution in my life and he’s right that he did always listen and do those things. He did. But, given the cirumstances, he was also in a way "trapped" in my audience. What happens when he’s set free with many places to see and lots to do? Have I given the best of my heart uncritically to someone who, when push comes to shove, hardly thinks about me in return?

I hope not. I’ll let you know.