Have you ever truly surprised yourself in the way you reacted to something?
My friend has been gone for over a week and I am ashamed to admit that I am not reacting in the way I imagined I would. I really amaze myself sometimes—and not because I’m amazing, but because I think I’m crazy. I had been crying for over a year at the mere possibility that he might leave someday and now that’s he’s actually gone I have to honestly admit that, if anything, I feel like the overall quality of my life has improved.
Why has it improved? My stress level has decreased. My outlook on things that I wouldn’t have even thought he would have affected has changed. It's weird, but I must admit I'd rather have it be this way than cry and miss someone who is starting off on a new life adventure not crying about me.
I still feel terrible that this is so. And also relieved.
I can’t explain it to you. I tried to explain it all to Wyndee last night after the kids were put to bed and we sat in her kitchen and talked. What I was saying made sense, but there’s one question that I don’t have the answer to. If he's slipped away without any action or reaction then what the heck was this all for? How do you invest in a person and love them and have them sometimes return that love and sometimes not return that love and then have them leave and you wind up breathing a sigh of relief even though there's a real possibility you will never lay eyes on them again?
This is one of the things that I don’t know the answer to right now and I don’t think I will know for a while. But, I am certain that one day, somehow, by God, it will be revealed it me what its purpose was, and what, in fact, it was all for.
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2 comments:
I truley believe you learn something from every relationship you have in your life. It may not be clear now, but you met and experienced this person for a reason. One day, when what you learned surfaces due to another circumstance, you will hear yourself say, "Oh, I get it now'.
...And isn't that sometimes the best part of a relationship? That moment either weeks, months, or years later when you suddenly see what it was all for?
I call it the "cooking the egg moment." I tell people, "...and one day you'll be cooking an egg and you will suddenly come to realize ______ (fill in the blank)."
It's one of those little things about life that keeps it all interesting. I look forward to knowing the fruit that this relationship will bear (for both of us) someday. Good thing we both eat eggs :)
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