Who cares?

People don’t really care about people anymore, or so it seems.

It makes me sad. Folks can say a lot of things about me, because I am far from perfect, believe me, but one thing that I am is a listener. More important than just listening is that I then remember what people say to me. They go hand in hand really, because if you are truly, actively listening to what another human being is saying to you, you will remember it when they cross your mind or you see them later.

Maybe it strikes me as a sad indicator of where our society is headed today because it’s one thing (maybe one of the very few things) that I do very well and it's something at which so many others are poor. Maybe I’m especially sensitive because several people (not just one, so don't assume this is "you") have “forgotten” me and what's important in my life several times very recently. I have had people make sure they remember to tell me blow by blow details of the smallest things in their lives that I have remembered to follow-up with them on and ask them about and genuinely care about it and meanwhile big events in my own life have been forgotten and/or never asked about.

I think it's a sign of how self absorbed we all are.

Now, OK, admittedly I am a single woman with no children, I have a solid job that I am blessed to enjoy, a safe home, and new car. I have two healthy parents who I have a good relationship with and like. I realize that I may be in a better position to “remember” what’s going on in the lives of others because I am blessed enough to not have a lot of hard times weighing on me at present, praise Jesus. One could argue he or she has too many other things weighing them down to remember me and my life and maybe I’m being self absorbed. And to that I might say OK, I hear you and understand (for a finite period of time, at least!). What about people in the same boat as me without a lot weighing them down that still can’t be bothered? What’s their excuse?

I’m not trying to be a cry baby here (although I know I sure sound like one!). I am trying to figure out in my mind how you make something like this improve on a large scale instead of just standing by and watching it become worse and worse. You know that I personally have no problem with telling people when they have disappointed me and I do so. But what about all of the other disappointed people who won’t speak up for whatever reason? What about the people who don’t take the time to care about others and invest in what’s important to them—will they ever be able to truly share their lives, their homes, their dreams with another person? Is man actually able to be “an island” after all?

Is selfishness another reason why relationships don’t work out today? Or has everyone always been self-absorbed and I’m just finally catching on?

I think it stinks. And I don’t like it. Despite the fact that I am disappointed by those closest to me in addition to everyone else I know from time to time, I will persevere, and I will not stop caring and listening and asking and following up. I won’t change that part of me.

The people we are supposed to know...

Last August, my college roommate got married. To the right you will see a picture from that very happy day. Don't they look beautiful? I hope she won't mind that I posted it here, but since she is one of only a few very loyal readers, she will see it very soon and let me know if it's not OK!

The intention of this post is to discuss marriage and being comfortable and to say how happy she is (not seems, but is) to be married to this man.

But, because I have seen a fair bit of it recently among people I know, I am also going to mention divorce. Don't worry, I'll keep it short because I don't want to be a buzz kill. This marriage was a second marriage for both Stephanie and Darren. I know they see each other as each other's partner and spouse and have gone to great lengths to be together. I am sure that despite the fact that the pain of divorce touched their lives in the past they have no intention of spending the rest of their lives having their marriage referred to as a "second" marriage, he is her "second" husband, etc. They are simply married--no number attached to it. And they are happy.

I think to myself about what I would do if I waited this long in my life to get married (as I am no young gal anymore) and my marriage didn't work out. I believe that's one reason why I am not married. I say I have no intention of getting divorced, so I will wait as long as I have to, or never get married, if that's they way it should be or as God intends. However, I can tell you that Stephanie never had any intention of getting divorced either. Who does? Stephanie fought for her marriage to work. The problem with that is that both people in the marriage have to be willing to do that and if one person isn't willing to fight and work, then what are you to do?

It's a tough spot--Obviously, I think about it a lot because from a Church perspective because we avoid divorce at all costs and then, if possible, seek an annulment to prove the sacrament of marriage never actually took place for whatever reason. Annulments don't get doled out easily though--it's quite an arduous process of paperwork and interviewing to obtain one. That's quite a lot to go through on top of the pain of a marriage ending.

OK, enough about divorce. Moving back to happiness and partnership...Come with me!

Do I believe every person has one soulmate we wind up with? No, I don't. I have never been that much of a romantic. What I believe isn't exactly unromantic though...I believe that we each have a small number of people, both men and women, who we are meant to know and be close to--intimate friends, confidants, and so on, and hopefully, you marry one of these people. So, I believe we have a handful of soulmates, not just one. Hey, it gives us better odds in the long run, so I don't think it's a bad way of thinking!

I believe that Stephanie is now married to one of those people for her and I only spent a couple of hours with him. I may not really know Darren, but I have known Stephanie for over 15 years though (and lived with her in a small space for 2 of those years!) and she was the most comfortable I have ever seen her. It was that simple. She was just comfortable. Think about what a true feeling of comfort feels like and looks like and makes you behave. It's calm and simple and fresh and true.

That's how Stephanie is being married to Darren. That's a feeling that I'd love to see last forever for her, and for anyone else who can work the odds in their favor and find one of the handful of people they are truly meant to know in this life.

May God bless Stephanie and Darren as they approach their first year anniversary, and all married couples who work hard every day to keep their unions strong.

May He also bless though who are going through the pain of losing someone they thought they would be with forever for one reason or another.

And may God also bless us who have yet to find the one with whom we will be our most "comfortable" and lead us one day into their outstretched arms.

Welcome the new arrival!

I am the proud "mother" of a Borrego Beige Metallic 2008 Honda Civic LX.

The new little one was driven home on Memorial Day and has been getting lots of attention from mommy and many passers by on the street ever since. Lots of shout outs on the street she gets!

I saw this color Civic parked in a Visitor's spot in my development and fell in love on sight. The color I wanted was never in question after I saw this. In person, it has much more personality than "gold," although that's the general color I say the car is. The color is only available in a couple of the models of Civics, so I won't see my twin everywhere either.

Omar wants me to name the car Paula, for Paula Deen, whom he loves. I laughed because she does love butter and the car is gold, but I don't know. Jarred is opposed to it because he thinks Paula Deen is annoying (for shame!)

I had an easier go of things when I got my other Civic in 2002 (oh yes, this is my 14th year of Honda Civic driving, my friends!). Caroline lost count and thought this might be the 4th Civic, but it's only the 3rd. (I just drive them for a lot of years each!)

In 2002, as I pulled out of the dealer's lot with my new Civic that day I bought it, I turned on the radio and a country station was on (I don't listen to much country music on the regular) and the song that was playing was "Fancy" by Reba McIntyre. Well, anyone who knew me in my karaoke days knows that that was my best song--and thus, the car was named Fancy. I actually used to like to say she named herself!

We'll see what we wind up naming this new little number--Maybe naming it "Deen" could be a compromise?

Random odds and ends, part 11

Well, my friend Pat is now a priest. You can read about him here.

I am still most disappointed that I was not able to attend his ordination, but I am happy to say, praise be to God, that the Holy Spirit led the others involved in the parish pastoral council discernment process on Saturday to choose me to be one of the 10 members of the first parish pastoral council for the new parish. We will begin our work in July.

My mom and I are planning a vacation in the fall to Denver to see my mom's sister and her family. I haven't been to Colorado since my cousin Trish married a professional bowler when I was 18 and she was 19. Needless to say, that was a long time ago! Although we get to see my Aunt Patty in the summer at her condo in Cape May, we hardly see my cousins and their spouses and kids, so the trip will be a great opportunity to do all of that, relax, sightsee, and so on, for a week. My dad will have to make it without my mom for a week, but I think he'll be OK. He wouldn't want to go out there and stay in my aunt's house for a whole week, he likes his space, so we're better off just going without him this time!

As of this moment, I have no major Memorial Day plans, although I will be going over to the Honda dealer at some point to see how much I could get if I traded in my current car--but fear not, I'll still be able to do my blog posts from the Honda dealer every now and then like I like to do since my new car, when I get it, will of course be another Honda! I just can't say no to such reliable cars! That said, I should start cleaning out my car trunk this weekend too :)

The weather is supposed to be fantastic, so that will be great. Sunny every day of the weekend and getting a little warmer with each passing day.

I have plans to see my Steph from Rutgers and meet her husband Darren for the first time at Old Man Rafferty's in June, so that will be a lomg overdue visit for us that I am looking forward to!

I hope your Memorial Day weekend is relaxing!

Discernment

I have been away for a while...but I have a bit of a dilemma currently. My friend Pat is being ordained to the priesthood on May 17 and now I cannot attend his ordination. The easiest way to explain the story is to share the e-mail I sent him....

Hello Deacon Pat,

I just want to let you know how proud I am of the journey you have travelled to become a priest and how much I really want to thank you for listening to and responding to God's call to your vocation. Please know that you are always in my prayers.

I have to let you know, very regretably, that I am now not going to able to come on May 17 to see you be ordained a holy priest and I am really distressed about the whole thing.

As you know, my parish in in the middle of a, for some, painful merger where we lost our very beloved pastor, Fr Pat, and there are a fair bit of hard feelings at present toward the new administrator (a Franciscan, since the combined parishes---to be renamed in July--is now going to be the Franciscan parish in the diocese). I feel like the hard feelings a lot of people have are somewhat unfair, since I am able to appreciate the huge undertaking our new administrator is in the middle of, while a lot of older parishoners are just hurt their parish will no longer be what it once was--in name, at least.

We are in the process of putting together a parish pastoral council--12 people--six from each original parish--and I feel like it's very vital I be on this. They need the younger viewpoint. I was the youngest person in the room by at least 5 or more years at the information sesssion that the woman from our diocese ran. I am the future of this parish and my prayerful spirit can be an asset to them in the long run.

Here's the rub--the day of prayer and discernment to determine who will be on the council is May 17 from 10am-1pm. If I don't go, I can't be on the council. I feel very strongly that I need to pray about being a part of this council and feel that I can make a difference for the "parishes" now and in the future.

I hope you can understand this. Please know how sorry I am that I am going to miss this beautiful day of yours. I can't wait to see you celebrate mass very soon!!

Love and prayers, L


Luckily, Pat understood and supports me in what I need to do, which I knew he would.

I recently told my new pastor/administrator that I would no longer be working with the youth group after this school year ends. I don't feel like my gifts are best utilized in this setting and with this age group. I pray that the Holy Spirit will agree that I may be best suited to be part of the new parish pastoral council.

I'll keep you posted...

A full house...

LC and Darryl will be arriving tonight and staying until Sunday. Judy and Paul (both Rutgers friends) will be arriving on Saturday and staying until Sunday.

With so many out-of-town guests coming at once and staying with me (it’s like a stressful but wonderful dream come true!), I have almost entirely forgotten that they are coming to help me celebrate my birthday!

I suppose it’s tied to the fact that I have been cleaning and arranging and preparing for the big Italian feast to be cooked Saturday night that I have lost sight of the real reason why they are all coming. (Almost like a much, much less important version of how people forget the real reason we celebrate Christmas with all the buying and running around we do!)

I’m looking forward to a fun, maybe not relaxed but definitely carefree weekend and a nice day off on Monday so mom and I can make one of our quarterly trips up to QVC for some shopping.

It’s going to be a great 3-day weekend spent with a lot of people who I love.

I am grateful for another year of blessings, good health, wonderful people in my life, and a Savior who loves miserable little me, despite me!

A tale of two parishes...

My parish is presently involved in a situation that, sadly, many Catholic parishes find themselves involved in these days.

Due to the fact that fewer men are answering the call to become priests, parishes are being forced to merge together, or in even worse cases, small parishes are forced to simply close their doors because of the lack of priests available to lead these flocks.

Note that I said “fewer men are answering the call to become priests.” Be certain that God is not calling any fewer men to the priesthood. It’s simply that fewer men are hearing and answering the call. In today’s society, how can we expect anything to be any different, really? The lure of money, success, women, materialism, etc, is very strong and many young men who are being called to be priests are plugging up their ears to the concept of sacrificing all of these worldly things and themselves for the bride for Christ. We all do that to some degree, whether God is asking us to sacrifice of ourselves to become a servant as a priest or if He is asking us to go back to mass regularly, stop gossiping, start praying a rosary, stop drinking, really develop a deep relationship with Him, etc. I am as guilty of it as anyone else.

So my parish is in the process of being merged with another parish in the next town. My parish was a relatively young parish, as far as Catholic churches go. The church was built in the mid- to late-70s. The road to get to this merger was long and tedious. There was what they called a “collaborative study,” which consisted of lay representatives and the pastor of several churches in our “cluster” of the diocese. They met for over a year. The saddest thing is that this decision of who was merging with who was very likely made before the collaborative study ever began and much of it was a pointless, albeit frustrating, exercise for those involved.

As a result of this merger, which is still in process and should be completed over the summer, we lost our pastor (all of the parishes who had to merge did, so no one could claim favoritism). We loved our pastor. He has only been with us for 3 or 4 years, but had made us a holier, more orthodox, and more devout group of Catholics.

There are a lot of hard feelings all the way around. I don’t have any really, but I see it all around me. Some people want to leave the parish and go elsewhere. While I believe a person needs to be comfortable in their parish and go where they feel they will be fed, I personally have no intention of leaving my parish. I am “fed” by the Lord and his servants on earth in a variety of ways in a variety of places and not just in the masses at my parish.

Jesus is still in my parish 24 hours a day in the Blessed Sacrament. I still receive Him at every mass. So while some folks are watching the new pastor under a microscope and picking apart everything he does that is different from our previous pastor (hey, they aren't twins!), I can’t help but constantly remember that God will never be outdone. He willed this merger. And, and the end of the day it will “be for our welfare, not our woe.” While it may not seem that way right now, with time, it will be revealed to us, just like everything else.

A blessed holy week and glorious Easter to all of you!

Jermaine, where are you?

Have you ever had a friend who literally went missing?

Well, that's my Jermaine. Now, he goes missing regularly, so I don't want to make a huge fuss, but the trouble is, he usually resurfaces within less than a year and that has not happened this time. If I don't hear from him by my birthday at the end of the month, that's when my concerns will become very serious.

The last I knew, he and his brothers were moving. So, I have no phone number or address. The last time I heard from him was when he visited this blog for my birthday last year.

I don't think he even got to read the lovely open letter I posted to you for your birthday in August.

Jermaine, if you happen to see this, please make yourself known to me. I pray the Lord is blessing your life and keeping you safe.

I got tagged...

I got tagged for a meme by Trubador.

I don’t even know 6 other bloggers to tag next since I’m such a little “island” in my own little blogging world over here, but, I’ll at least do what I can do!

The rules for this meme: (1) Link to the person that tagged you. (2) Post the rules of the meme on your blog. (3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

My responses

(1) I am linked to Trubador!
(2) The rules of this meme are above.
(3) Here are the six random non-important facts about me:

1. I am a video game lover from way back. I have owned many different video game systems in my life. I think my father got me into them since he had no son—he used to take me to arcades when I was little. John and I used to go play Virtua Fighter (the original one!) when it very first came out at the student center back when he was the most important thing in my life. I owned a Sega Dreamcast during/after I was dating Eric. It’s weird that as I type this I link the video games to different men in my life. Hmmm. Maybe a psychologist could diagnose that.

2. I still speak to at least 3 people that I have known since kindergarten on a regular basis (Jarred, Caroline, and Omar). That’s a lot of years, people.

3. I am completely and utterly embarrassed to admit that Comcast On Demand and my DVR have changed by life—for the better!

4. It’s incredibly hard for me to even think of 6 things about me that everyone doesn’t already know since I’m such an open book and will tell anyone and everyone everything about me. Maybe the psychologist could also diagnose that.

5. I have prayed every night since I was 4 years old for patience (it was my mother’s idea for me to start doing so when I was 4—I can’t imagine how impatient I was back then, but I must have been for my mom to suggest I add the request to my nightly prayers at age 4). A million years later, and I still don’t have a lot of patience. God is still making up his mind on this one, I guess (or really, he wants me to “learn” patience is more like it!)

6. I literally never have nightmares. My dreams are never scary. My dreams are always really normal and realistic, like it’s an extension of my daily life. I hope that continues--no nightmares please!

OK, I have no one else to link to, so this extension of the meme dies here, I guess!

Big yellow taxi...

I am preparing for my “every other year” short vacation to see Omar in Florida. We have gotten off to a pretty rocky start this year, but, as I always say, a bad practice predicts a good game (at least that’s what I always hope!)

First, Omar had a business trip that was supposed to be a couple of weeks ago that got rescheduled. He flies home from New Mexico the day I arrive! Steve was going to pick me up from the airport in Omar’s absence. Then, Steve finds out that he has to conduct a training class the day I arrive and can’t come get me at all.

My options as presented to me by Omar were to take a cab or let Omar’s mom come pick me up at the airport. With all due respect, I preferred the idea of the cab much more than being alone with Omar’s mom for any length of time. Omar then tells me he would split the cost of the cab ride with me. Split? It just sounded odd to me that I think I would have rather him not have offered me any money than to offer to split it. I told him it wouldn’t be necessary.

So, here we are. I am going to be arriving via taxi to an empty home (except for Mario the dog) with a key under the mat. Although we will be getting off to a bit of an off-kilter start, I hold out sincere hope that once everyone is actually back in Florida and gets to the house from the airport that the rest of the visit will be relaxing and fun.

Wish us the best!

UPDATE: Omar e-mailed to say that he rescheduled his flight from NM to land only 90 minutes after mine on the day I arrive, so, as of now we are planning to share a cab back to their house. I guess we will split the cost after all! See? Things are already looking up. Good game!

Oh, and by the way, I meant to mention that a bird pooped on my forehead last Thursday. How it pooped on my forehead and not the top of my head is weird, especially since I had just received my Ash Wednesday ashes the night before. Isn't a bird pooping on you supposed to mean you're going to have a year of good luck? I'm not superstitious, but I would gladly take the good luck. Omar then reminded me that that day was the Chinese New Year, so he wondered if the bird was Chinese...

Delivering good news...

I had a wonderful surprise opportunity to let someone in this big blogging world know kind things were being said about him in a national newspaper.

Who doesn't like to be the bearer of happy news?

As some of you know, I subscribe to the National Catholic Register. It's a great weekly paper that keeps me well informed of the goings on of the Catholic church all over the country we well as the world. They had an article last week (it was part of an occasional series) on blogs (many Catholic blogs in particular) and one blog that was mentioned was by a gentleman in California named Trubador (Trubador--The Arbiter of Common Sense). They writer said it was a good mix of personal content along with other topics so I made a point to check it out.

I did so a few days later and I expected to see many comments from people saying they had read the article and that's how they stumbled on his blog, and so on (since I was a full week behind in my reading when I read my article myself). I found it odd that I saw no such comments, so I left one and who would have known that I got to be the lucky person to tell this kind man that he was mentioned in a national newpaper article?

Go visit Trubador and enjoy his content--he has good things to say about a wide variety of topics, not just Chuch-related, but also world-related and most importantly, "life"-related! You'll enjoy it!

An unlikely pen pal...

Justin's wife and I have been e-mailing each other a little bit lately. Do you know how surreal it is for me to say that? How did I wind up here? I don’t ask that question in a bad way, but in a way that makes me appreciate the way life moves.

As many of you know, Justin was the first boy I ever loved and it was a long time ago. For any of you who don’t know anything about him, I was 17 when I met him (he transferred to my high school). I stopped loving him “that way” when I was 20 or so. The last time I saw him was when I was 26, I think, not long before Eric and I started dating. When I was dating Eric (let’s say this was in 2000 or early 2001), I saw in the newspaper that Justin was getting married (he was still living down south, where he went to college). I was really happy for him and hoped he was marrying a good woman.

Fast forward several years to December 2005. I am at church in the sacristy before mass because I was going to serve as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion that night. This woman walked in and asked me if I was me. I told her I was. She told me she was “Justin’s wife.” I asked her what her name was. She told me. She said she recognized me from pictures.

It does one's heart immeasurable good to know that they actually meant something to someone even if they no longer mean what they once did. I realized what it meant to me that he had kept his pictures of me somewhere, that he showed them to the woman that he married, that she knew who I was and what I had been. I am sure she heard both the good and the bad (there was plenty of both), but she had heard it all because I was someone who had mattered. Even all those years later, it could still be said that our knowing one another meant something (whether it be formative or whatever), and I was grateful to know it was so. We always hope that’s the case when a relationship ends, but how often can we say we know for sure?

She informed me at that time that Justin was in Iraq. I don’t think I even knew he had entered the Army (he was a bit of a late “vocation” to the Army in comparison to other men, I'd say). She said that her mother-in-law and her baby were in the church if I wanted to see them. I went and saw Justin’s mother for the first time in many years and laid eyes on Justin’s baby. When we were younger, I had always imagined in my mind’s eye what Justin’s babies would look like, and although this baby was precious, he didn’t “look” the way I thought he would. It was such a crazy experience. How many of us get to see the babies of the first boy we ever loved?

Justin’s wife was at my church that night because she was living with her in-laws while Justin was in Iraq and she was in the RCIA program at my parish (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) to enter the Roman Catholic Church. Months later, I was there with her at the Easter Vigil mass to watch this kind woman enter the Church. It was a great moment; I was her only friend or family in attendance. I felt very blessed that night--that the Lord had orchestrated this very unique union between her and I that Justin was completely absent from.

She once told a story of the way he reacted to something and said to me, “Well, you know him! You know exactly what I mean!” and I had such respect for her in that moment. Think about it. She was willing to admit and acknowledge the fact that someone else in the world also really “knew” her husband’s quirks and behaviors. I don’t know too many women with the confidence in herself and her relationship to freely admit out loud that another woman might know many of the things she knows about her husband (especially to that other woman directly!).

After she left our town and Justin returned from Iraq, she and I exchanged Christmas cards. I received the birth announcement for their second baby a year ago.

I didn’t hear from her this Christmas, and I recently asked my friend Terry from my parish (who helped teach RCIA) if she had heard from her. She passed my e-mail on and I heard from her immediately. They are well.

She reports that Justin is really succeeding in the military (he currently is a sergeant and is going to warrant officer school). I see pictures of him and I see that he actually looks like a 35-year-old man. I take time and realize that he is a completely different person than I once knew and that is OK, and in fact, a good thing. Then his wife mentions that he talks in his sleep and I realize he is likely also in many ways exactly the same as the boy I once loved all those years ago. It's emotional for me to try to wrap my brain around it all and how you have to sit sometimes and see that you are as old as you are and where did the time go and what have we done with all of this time?

Oh, and I wanted to say—I saw a picture of their second baby boy, who just turned 1, and let me tell you, he looks exactly the way I had always imagined Justin’s babies would look. Exactly.

Or, maybe, it is the best of the times?

Have you ever truly surprised yourself in the way you reacted to something?

My friend has been gone for over a week and I am ashamed to admit that I am not reacting in the way I imagined I would. I really amaze myself sometimes—and not because I’m amazing, but because I think I’m crazy. I had been crying for over a year at the mere possibility that he might leave someday and now that’s he’s actually gone I have to honestly admit that, if anything, I feel like the overall quality of my life has improved.

Why has it improved? My stress level has decreased. My outlook on things that I wouldn’t have even thought he would have affected has changed. It's weird, but I must admit I'd rather have it be this way than cry and miss someone who is starting off on a new life adventure not crying about me.

I still feel terrible that this is so. And also relieved.

I can’t explain it to you. I tried to explain it all to Wyndee last night after the kids were put to bed and we sat in her kitchen and talked. What I was saying made sense, but there’s one question that I don’t have the answer to. If he's slipped away without any action or reaction then what the heck was this all for? How do you invest in a person and love them and have them sometimes return that love and sometimes not return that love and then have them leave and you wind up breathing a sigh of relief even though there's a real possibility you will never lay eyes on them again?

This is one of the things that I don’t know the answer to right now and I don’t think I will know for a while. But, I am certain that one day, somehow, by God, it will be revealed it me what its purpose was, and what, in fact, it was all for.

The best of times, the worst of times

I once read a line in a book by T.H. White called the The Once and Future King that affected me very deeply. It was just one line in a very long book. I read it my senior year of high school when I was knee-deep in love with Justin.

The line was, “Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically, to those who hardly think about us in return.” That line resonated in me because it was true with Justin at that time (he would come to love me more completely years later, after I had stopped loving him “that way.” The timing of things in life can sometimes be cruel.)

This line resonates in me because at the end of the day it’s true of my friend who is going to be moving away shortly as well. I did my very best with him and always gave him my very best in every facet of our friendship. Sometimes it was cherished and appreciated other times it was unceremoniously thrown back in my face.

Will it be out of sight, out of mind, or do I occupy a slot on his short list of real friends?

I used to cry whenever I thought too much about his leaving, and that includes even up to almost a year ago before his leaving was even a possibility! I went to bed last night feeling one way and I woke up this morning feeling another. Sweet surrender.

I woke up this morning not dwelling on what might or might not happen when this one friend leaves, but instead I woke up truly knowing how loved I am by so many people that if this one character in the play of my life doesn’t have room for me or forgets me once geography separates us that that simply means I wasn't as important as I thought I was (or wanted to be) and I should recast the role.

I discussed a lot of these feelings on the phone with Mike Day yesterday after I had texted him to tell him I was feeling down and I got a text message from him this morning reminding me that he’s always here for me. I took time this morning to "out of the blue" thank Matty for how well he treats me all the time and that I appreciate how good he is to me all of the time. This is what matters in our lives.

It’s called reciprocity. I think I’ve cried my last tear. My friend who is leaving would tell me I’m full of it because he always listened to me blather on about this and that whenever I asked him to and he helped me answer questions and seek resolution in my life and he’s right that he did always listen and do those things. He did. But, given the cirumstances, he was also in a way "trapped" in my audience. What happens when he’s set free with many places to see and lots to do? Have I given the best of my heart uncritically to someone who, when push comes to shove, hardly thinks about me in return?

I hope not. I’ll let you know.

Operating from an excellent spirit...

A dear member of my parish family died in her sleep in December 23. She was only 60 years old (and looked like she was in her 40s, God love her!). She was one of those women in our parish who was a great example of what a servant of the Lord is. She was always around--praying in the adoration chapel for hours (and I mean hours), serving as an Extraordinary Minister at masses, smiling at everyone, praying for those she barely new, and so on.

I knew Gwen in passing, mostly from spending time sitting with her in the adoration chapel (although I am in there a mere blip of the time she used to be). She had the peace that comes with really knowing Jesus. I admired that in her--I manage to have it at times but at other times I lose it the second things go awry. She had it about her all of the time and I admired that constant peace that comes in really knowing what you know.

At her wake service, some of her friends and siblings spoke about her and one of her sisters said something that struck me very deeply. She said that her sister Gwen always "operated from an excellent spirit." I want that. I want it to someday be said of me that I operate from an excellent spirit.

Now if that isn't something that should be on everyone's list of new years resolutions, I don't know what is.

May this year be the year that we all begin to more completely and consistently operate from an excellent spirit.

Rest in peace Gwen--and pray for us that we will love, serve, and trust God like you did.

What kind of year will 2008 be?

As most of you know, Jarred started the tradition long ago of "naming" our years with a theme. It all started with the "Year of Jarred" (YOJ) and has taken off from there. I told you guys about this last year, for sure.

For the record, for the past decade or so, almost every "even" year winds up being a YOJ, so, yes, that makes 2008 a YOJ. Frankly, Jarred deserves a real YOJ after the debacle that occurred with his relocation/new job/layoff. I think I had one YOL, but really, I want every year to be a YOL for me!

2007 was the Year of Positivity (I think I decided that after we had the 2 years in a row of "Year of Joy"). I think we did a good job living that out, as we have all remained upbeat despite things not always going the way we might have imagined them to.

2008 has also been named the Year of Inspiration (are you guys able to keep up with all of this!?) because I told Jarred I wanted us to work harder at not only providing inspiration but gleaning inspiration from those around us.

We still have a little bit of time before January 1 for you all to think about what kind of year you want to have in 2008. You can name it and claim the way we like to (I'd love you to share them with me!), or you can do it more quietly.

Times seems to go by more quickly each year. The older I get, the faster time flies. I am trying to keep up (or "maintain" as Jermaine would say).

Whatever works for you and allows you to live with purpose. Here's to a wonderful, healthy, and peaceful 2008 for all of us!

A Merry Christmas to All...

I hope that I will have the opportunity to spend time with some of you over the upcoming holiday. Please come see my parents and I on Christmas Eve!

I have some nice time off coming up, but it's broken up into two batches--Dec 22-Dec 26 and then Dec 29-Jan1. I'll actually feel better about it being broken up so I can "catch up" on e-mails and everything the two days I am in the office next week and then I can start the new year off with a clean slate. I have always been very weird about that (starting the new year off "clean" in every sense of the word in my environment and with myself and my interactions). I think I posted about it this time last year.

What has me and most of my co-workers baffled is that our company gave us Monday, Dec 31 as a company holiday this year, but did not give us Monday, Dec 24. I guess they didn't want to be seen as favoring one religious group over another, perhaps.

I hope you all are well and will be able to spend time with those you love. May you and your families rejoice in the coming of the infant King! God bless you and love you!

Be careful what you wish for...

So I'm the lady who always wants out of town guests. I think about having people come in from out of town and that I'll take a couple days off from work and I'll take them places and show them things and we'll have a grand old time. Who these people are that are coming in from out of town, I have no idea, but it's still one of those things that crosses my mind more often than a normal person.

Judy from Rutgers is coming today and staying until tomorrow, and although I cannot wait, just having someone come and stay for one night has me in such a tizzy I have no idea how I would realistically cope with people staying for more than a night or two. I have been trying to get the house clean and in order for several days and still am not finished (and I am currently at the Honda dealer getting an oil change and then going to grocery shop all before Judy comes, so who knows when I am going to finish working on the house before she arrives). My downstairs is always in good shape because that's where my guests usually are and that's the part of the house the "public" sees, but I have Christmas gifts and decoration containers in the very guest room Judy will be sleeping in. Sigh.

I'm no fool though, believe me. I fully realize that if this is my greatest stress this weekend, I am blessed.

Have a great weekend!

The end of an era...

I received some very sad news a couple of weeks back. Mike Day sent me a text message to tell me that our favorite karaoke place (and, really, it was my only karaoke place), Cherries, had not only closed down, but was demolished. The reason for the demolition I am sure was because it was in the middle of nowhere with a lot of land around it. I’d imagine the land was sold and the building got lumped into the deal. Cherries was a bar/karaoke lounge and it was nestled inside a larger Japanese restaurant.

I forwarded the sad news on to about 10 friends who had sang there with us over the years. One woman responded especially mad that we only found out after that fact and that we weren’t given an opportunity to go there one last time for old time’s sake. I felt her pain.

I still remember the first song I ever sang at Cherries—it was an oldie called “Rescue Me” by Fontella Bass. That had to have been almost 10 years ago (yikes!).

Over the many years I brought many out-of-town guests to Cherries to sing (folks like LC, Jermaine, Steph, Ricky, Florin, Marcos) and coworkers (Janet, Bob, Matty T) in addition to local friends to Cherries to sing a song. We had also, for a period of time, truly become “regulars” there and we became friendly with the other regulars and the gal who tended the bar and programmed the karaoke machine. I feel nostalgia setting in.

Even though I haven’t been to Cherries in at least a year if not two, it’s still just sad to know it’s no longer there for me to come in, pay a dollar, and sing.

I think we often wind up feeling that way about people and places…we may not always see them or visit them, but we just feel better knowing they are out there for us when we need them.

Cherries, thanks for the memories--we will miss you!

Man overboard

For this past week I have been feeling very angry that Jarred got laid off. The company who hired him only 6 months ago laid him off last Friday (and that very day was his last day in the office, no phasing out or anything, he was just asked to leave right then) and announced the entire company is closing in December.

Jarred was hired with the title of Director of New Business (again, only 6 months ago). Was he hired as a potential last-hope savior of a sinking ship? Did this company think he was going to come in and in less than 6 months gather enough new business to single-handedly help them avoid closing their doors?

I just think things like that really stinks.

We could all be laid off at any given moment, myself included. I am not naive enough to not know that is a reality in today's working world. I just don’t like that Jarred was brought aboard a ship that was already sinking and then thrown overboard. Yuck.